Competition

I was never much into playing sports. I participated as a child, largely because my parents have always had the upper hand in determining what’s ‘best’ for me (Granted, if I’m allowed to dictate what I do for myself, I seldom leave the house and avoid the terrors that await me at the Kwik-E-Mart and Bowl-a-rama, but that’s neither here nor there – coincidentally, neither is my albinism).

Swim team, soccer, track, basketball, gymnastics, even tee ball are all sports that I’ve participated in at some level throughout my life. Sadly, Nintendo’s track & field power pad does not count toward All American Athlete status, otherwise I’d be sitting pretty in a huge mansion and a hall of fame trophy would be on my mantel.

Don’t get me wrong - the whole team thing is great as is the rush you get when you win, but the modern sports that are so diligently covered on ESPN have been around for so long that I argue it’s time for something new (Except for Cricket, that shit never gets old). Once I make my billions of dollars by working incredibly hard and investing wisely (ha!) I plan to start my own alternative sports network. Take a look at some of my headline shows:

Competitive World’s Smallest Violin Playing
Competitive Steer Branding
Competitive Naked Snow Rolling
Competitive Tooth Brushing
Competitive Hope No One Just Saw You Nose Picking
Competitive SAT / Achievement Test Cheating
Competitive Celery Digesting
Competitive Laundry Folding
Competitive Couch Potatoing
Competitive Nails-On-Chalk-Board Scratching
Competitive Phone Dialing
Competitive Flat on Your Face Falling
Competitive Pickle Jar Opening
And finally…
Competitive Dog Sticking his Nose in a Stranger’s Crotch Apologizing

Not all of these would be for everyone to watch, nor would I personally want to see the Stanley Cup for the world’s best Celery Digester, but I think it would spice up the rather bland television and reality TV nonsense that plagues the airwaves today. At the very least, they would all be more interesting than golf.