Don't Talk to Me While I'm Peeing

My Sister forced me to write this. She didn't put clothespins on my eyelids and handcuff my wrists to a chair while holding a gun to my head to watch me type these words. No, she forced me through nothing simpler than sibling rivalry.

My sister is pretty awesome. She's got twins, a husband, is a professor (Dr. Kristen is what I should technically call her - I won't, at least not until I have a cooler title than Dr. Matthew. I'm working up to Lord Matthew. Patience.) and is the only person who can truly appreciate the fact that there are parenthesis in this ridiculously long sentence.

My sister is 5 years older than me. Somewhere after I was legally allowed to buy porn, the age gap narrowed between us, and we've become close friends and confidants. However, at age 13, she was an evil, conniving supervillian who tricked me into telling her about the purple phone I had seen wrapped mere hours earlier and then promptly tattled on me to our parents. Somehow, I came out as the bad guy and she was in tears because her birthday was ruined.

But that's not why I'm here today. If a mother of twins can work full time and still find time lament about not having time to write a blog post, and still write one, then I, a shiftless 28 year old gamer can certainly type some thoughts about a growing epidemic...

Peeing. Everyone does it. Some people do it quite well. Others, need help. Cats do it in a box, dogs on the kitchen floor. It's a natural phenomenon.

It is, however, not something I discuss with people.

As a male, I am trained by society to be highly competitive and aggressive toward other members of my gender. I by my nature, tend to be more of a pacifist, but if there is one thing that fires me up is being interrupted in the men's room.

Look, I know pissing is boring. I know it's slightly awkward standing next to a man who is holding his most prized possession mere inches away from where you're doing the same thing. If you're lucky, there's a divider wall giving you a bit of privacy (and if you're really lucky, no one is looking over the divider wall cheering you on). This is one of the few moments in life where a day to day activity shares alot in common with a funeral. There is no need to say anything. Don't talk to someone while they're peeing. "But, what about XYZ circumstance? Is that ok?"

Here's a simple test you can do to figure out if it is ok to talk to someone while they're peeing:

1. Are you peeing? Don't talk to anyone while you're peeing.
2. Is the person next to you peeing? Don't talk to someone while they're peeing.
3. Is anyone in the room peeing? Don't talk while someone is peeing.
4. Are you entering a room where you expect people to be peeing? Hedge your bets and don't violate rule number 3. Stop talking and don't talk to anyone who might pee.
5. You walk into a room and are talking to someone as you enter a room. Said room happens to have a urinal on the wall and one (or both) of you start to pee. Stop talking and don't talk to him while you're peeing.*

*Note: I'm specifically talking about men & urinals here. The same applies for stalls. Ladies - I don't think I've ever seen one of you go to the restroom alone. I have no idea what goes on in there, nor do I really care. If for whatever reason you happen to find yourself in a situation next to a man while he's peeing, please obey rule 2.


Other etiquette:

1. If you're one of the classy individuals who decides to not take the above test, please understand that if you start up a conversation with someone who is peeing, you will likely be ignored or at a minimum talked about behind your back as a "pee talker."
2. There is a very elaborate decision tree involved in choosing a urinal in the men's room. If you don't know the decision tree, you shouldn't be in the men's room. If you violate the decision tree AND strike up a conversation, don't be surprised if you end up in a hospital.
3. Wash your hands after you are done peeing. It's gross when you don't.

Above all else: Don't fucking talk to me while I'm peeing.