The Middle Seat Gets the Armrest

I am not a big fan of flying. I studied engineering principles in university and I'm still amazed that planes can stay in the air. Unfortunately for me, I live in beautiful, sunny, gorgeous California, while the rest of my immediate family lives back on the adjectiveless East Coast.

I always sit in the aisle seat when I fly. I enjoy sticking my feet out into the aisle to make the flight attendants trip and scold me. I also enjoy the easy access to the lavatories protected by the federally mandated and regulated smoke detectors. I get nervous when I'm sitting, 1970s era seat belt buckled, listening to music or a movie on my iPhone that is probably transmitting more RF noise than the entirety of the airplane cockpit (yes, even in "Airplane Mode"). I get nervous, because what happens if I spontaneously combust? There's no information in the pictogram safety card that tells me what the hell to do in that situation.

But not in the airplane lavatory. I know that if for some reason I were to burst into flames, the smoke detector would alert the mid-air fire department to come and extinguish me. I imagine it would be similar to that scene in Airforce one where Harrison Ford has to jump out of his plane on a zip-line and careen over to another plane. I wonder how the fireman would keep on their red hats with all of that wind?

One of the big challenges that I have always faced in airplane seating is to understand who gets the middle armrests. Some could argue that it's first come first served, and there are plane configurations where such a system is appropriate. For this discussion, lets assume we are in a standard 3x3 737 or 757 configuration. Let's look at the pros and cons of each part of the seats.

Aisle Seat

Pros:

• Lots of Leg room options when you leverage the aisle.
• Easy access to the in-flight porta-pottie
• Easy access to flag down flight attendants without being the dick who pushed the call button and woke everyone up.
• Easy access to the overhead storage bins, allowing you to shift items in flight, thus validating the flight attendent caution speech during the final taxing to the terminal.
  

Cons:

• There are two people that have to crawl over you to leave their seat
• You don't have a wall to lean against and nap
• It's hard to tell whether or not the plane is coming in parallel to or perpendicular to the runway because you can't see out the window.
  

Window Seat

Pros:

• You have the window! If shit is exploding outside or if the plane is upside down, you're first to know.
• There's a great wall to rest against.
• You're the first person in your row to get served a drink.

Cons:

• You have to crawl over two people to get out of your seat.
• If someone in your row smells, the air is gonna get all stuck by the wall and just recirculate.
• Kids like to look out the window, which means there's probably one behind you kicking your seat.

Middle Seat

Pros:

• You only have to climb over 1 person to leave your seat.

Cons:

• You have one of the the worst seats on the plane. No one wants to sit in the middle seat, especially if they are traveling alone.

It's pretty clear that the pros and cons of each seat section do not balance out. Some might say that the middle seat deserves nothing because they obviously didn't book their flight early enough to get one of the pimp aisle or slightly-less-pimp window seats. Have some compassion. They need something to look forward to, and it should be the right to use both armrests. It's a small token, but I'm willing to give it up, given how crappy their flight is going to be.

While we're on the topic, here are some ther Airplane laws I'm working on getting ratified:

• If you or part of your body uses part of my seat because you are too big to fit in the airplane, you will buy everyone in the row as many 5 dollar cocktails as they wish.
• If you are wearing perfume or cologne on the plane, you will be seated next to the lavatories.
• If you carry on more than two carry on items, both items will be checked and routed to different airports.
• If you try to carry on something that will clearly not fit in the overhead bin, all items in that baggage will be checked, and routed to different airports.
• If you leave your bluetooth earpiece in your ear after the cabin door has been closed, you will be shot, for being a douche.

Don't Talk to Me While I'm Peeing

My Sister forced me to write this. She didn't put clothespins on my eyelids and handcuff my wrists to a chair while holding a gun to my head to watch me type these words. No, she forced me through nothing simpler than sibling rivalry.

My sister is pretty awesome. She's got twins, a husband, is a professor (Dr. Kristen is what I should technically call her - I won't, at least not until I have a cooler title than Dr. Matthew. I'm working up to Lord Matthew. Patience.) and is the only person who can truly appreciate the fact that there are parenthesis in this ridiculously long sentence.

My sister is 5 years older than me. Somewhere after I was legally allowed to buy porn, the age gap narrowed between us, and we've become close friends and confidants. However, at age 13, she was an evil, conniving supervillian who tricked me into telling her about the purple phone I had seen wrapped mere hours earlier and then promptly tattled on me to our parents. Somehow, I came out as the bad guy and she was in tears because her birthday was ruined.

But that's not why I'm here today. If a mother of twins can work full time and still find time lament about not having time to write a blog post, and still write one, then I, a shiftless 28 year old gamer can certainly type some thoughts about a growing epidemic...

Peeing. Everyone does it. Some people do it quite well. Others, need help. Cats do it in a box, dogs on the kitchen floor. It's a natural phenomenon.

It is, however, not something I discuss with people.

As a male, I am trained by society to be highly competitive and aggressive toward other members of my gender. I by my nature, tend to be more of a pacifist, but if there is one thing that fires me up is being interrupted in the men's room.

Look, I know pissing is boring. I know it's slightly awkward standing next to a man who is holding his most prized possession mere inches away from where you're doing the same thing. If you're lucky, there's a divider wall giving you a bit of privacy (and if you're really lucky, no one is looking over the divider wall cheering you on). This is one of the few moments in life where a day to day activity shares alot in common with a funeral. There is no need to say anything. Don't talk to someone while they're peeing. "But, what about XYZ circumstance? Is that ok?"

Here's a simple test you can do to figure out if it is ok to talk to someone while they're peeing:

1. Are you peeing? Don't talk to anyone while you're peeing.
2. Is the person next to you peeing? Don't talk to someone while they're peeing.
3. Is anyone in the room peeing? Don't talk while someone is peeing.
4. Are you entering a room where you expect people to be peeing? Hedge your bets and don't violate rule number 3. Stop talking and don't talk to anyone who might pee.
5. You walk into a room and are talking to someone as you enter a room. Said room happens to have a urinal on the wall and one (or both) of you start to pee. Stop talking and don't talk to him while you're peeing.*

*Note: I'm specifically talking about men & urinals here. The same applies for stalls. Ladies - I don't think I've ever seen one of you go to the restroom alone. I have no idea what goes on in there, nor do I really care. If for whatever reason you happen to find yourself in a situation next to a man while he's peeing, please obey rule 2.


Other etiquette:

1. If you're one of the classy individuals who decides to not take the above test, please understand that if you start up a conversation with someone who is peeing, you will likely be ignored or at a minimum talked about behind your back as a "pee talker."
2. There is a very elaborate decision tree involved in choosing a urinal in the men's room. If you don't know the decision tree, you shouldn't be in the men's room. If you violate the decision tree AND strike up a conversation, don't be surprised if you end up in a hospital.
3. Wash your hands after you are done peeing. It's gross when you don't.

Above all else: Don't fucking talk to me while I'm peeing.