I always sit in the aisle seat when I fly. I enjoy sticking my feet out into the aisle to make the flight attendants trip and scold me. I also enjoy the easy access to the lavatories protected by the federally mandated and regulated smoke detectors. I get nervous when I'm sitting, 1970s era seat belt buckled, listening to music or a movie on my iPhone that is probably transmitting more RF noise than the entirety of the airplane cockpit (yes, even in "Airplane Mode"). I get nervous, because what happens if I spontaneously combust? There's no information in the pictogram safety card that tells me what the hell to do in that situation.
But not in the airplane lavatory. I know that if for some reason I were to burst into flames, the smoke detector would alert the mid-air fire department to come and extinguish me. I imagine it would be similar to that scene in Airforce one where Harrison Ford has to jump out of his plane on a zip-line and careen over to another plane. I wonder how the fireman would keep on their red hats with all of that wind?
One of the big challenges that I have always faced in airplane seating is to understand who gets the middle armrests. Some could argue that it's first come first served, and there are plane configurations where such a system is appropriate. For this discussion, lets assume we are in a standard 3x3 737 or 757 configuration. Let's look at the pros and cons of each part of the seats.
Aisle Seat
Pros:
- Lots of Leg room options when you leverage the aisle.
- Easy access to the in-flight porta-pottie
- Easy access to flag down flight attendants without being the dick who pushed the call button and woke everyone up.
- Easy access to the overhead storage bins, allowing you to shift items in flight, thus validating the flight attendent caution speech during the final taxing to the terminal.
- There are two people that have to crawl over you to leave their seat
- You don't have a wall to lean against and nap
- It's hard to tell whether or not the plane is coming in parallel to or perpendicular to the runway because you can't see out the window.
Window Seat
Pros:
- You have the window! If shit is exploding outside or if the plane is upside down, you're first to know.
- There's a great wall to rest against.
- You're the first person in your row to get served a drink.
Cons:
- You have to crawl over two people to get out of your seat.
- If someone in your row smells, the air is gonna get all stuck by the wall and just recirculate.
- Kids like to look out the window, which means there's probably one behind you kicking your seat.
Middle Seat
Pros:
- You only have to climb over 1 person to leave your seat.
- You have one of the the worst seats on the plane. No one wants to sit in the middle seat, especially if they are traveling alone.
It's pretty clear that the pros and cons of each seat section do not balance out. Some might say that the middle seat deserves nothing because they obviously didn't book their flight early enough to get one of the pimp aisle or slightly-less-pimp window seats. Have some compassion. They need something to look forward to, and it should be the right to use both armrests. It's a small token, but I'm willing to give it up, given how crappy their flight is going to be.
While we're on the topic, here are some ther Airplane laws I'm working on getting ratified:
- If you or part of your body uses part of my seat because you are too big to fit in the airplane, you will buy everyone in the row as many 5 dollar cocktails as they wish.
- If you are wearing perfume or cologne on the plane, you will be seated next to the lavatories.
- If you carry on more than two carry on items, both items will be checked and routed to different airports.
- If you try to carry on something that will clearly not fit in the overhead bin, all items in that baggage will be checked, and routed to different airports.
- If you leave your bluetooth earpiece in your ear after the cabin door has been closed, you will be shot, for being a douche.
